since young, i have always been inferior about myself, i have always been feeling insecure. i don't understand where did my strength came from, neither do i know how can i survive. praise God i should say.

one fine night, at the age of 4, a hand slowly creeped beside me. when i was young, i slept with my sis and mum in a small room. life wasn't too pleasant at that time. i had vague memories of my dad, i could only recall the times he brought home teddy bears to make me happy. yes, that hand... it was my sister. she was 7 and her hand was then slid into my shirt. i turned and she said: do the same to me. during that point of time, i do not know what to do but to obey. she started kissing me and told me the game is called: be a boy. all i need to do is to mirror whatever thing she do. i did.. we did it almost every night. she would then slowly told me to touch her private part and when she touched me, that feeling i had was good.
this continued for years. until it stopped one day after i attended a science class at 12.

one night, my mum actually asked me: tonite u all never be a boy?
i think nothing about it and said, yah don't have.
now as i think back, i hate my mum. i hate her for doing this to me!
i do not blame them that i have the tendency for girls now, because yes they made me feel good about it.
but... how would a family ever do this to u?

when my sister got attached after that, i was jealous. i was jealous that she "threw" me aside after what the world termed "abused" me. i could not figure out why i had such sour feelings when i see her kissing her boyfriend.. i hate it that this doesn't even matter to them at all! yet it does to me!

it was a deep traumatizing experience. i seek to find back the "good" feeling i had when i was in my teenage years. i started to even feel myself to see if i can ever feel good again..

i feel ashamed of myself in school. i feel so ashamed of myself. i dont want to be thrown away by anyone, hence i was like a "dog" in secondary school, being bullied by peers and looked down upon.. i yearn for love. yes i do... so much....